As I rose this morning I felt the aftermath of a day of non stop life. Thinking about another Doctor's Dance to distract. My body now screams with an ache of wishing I had not indulged my need to put some sort of order in my home life. Once again my life would become disturbed by the needs of needs in health diagnosis. Do I really need to do so much, there is just some ill begotten memory that exists in me of my being misplaced in the accountings of my history. Conceivably this is just another remnant of my wanting to think that I have to give up my needs. Even if there are no complete demands, yet. There exists within me an over doing and thinking. It seems my thoughts feel I don’t deserve a life of my own. I can’t seem to tend to my body and spirit, while being gentle to myself. however the battle continues. Thoughtful order finds release only in recognizing my first response I have now been able to find care for myself in writing again. I can reframe this picture that has historically woven itself within me. Bodily pain finds my need to look for kindness, even more, wanting the child within to be cared for; but not knowing how to ask without a great deal of effort.
I then find myself thinking of the strength of my Doctor who moves from sick person to sick person, he has reached into me with his strength; with charm and compassion which heals this pain. We have grown older together. As I watch the changes in his face; I wonder what he sees in mine. He thinks I dissect him, I don’t. I want to remember every look as I touch each moment. Magically the need to be fixed in a single hug and holding on to him seems to create strength I can’t find elsewhere. Remembering the hugs and how they feel seems to repair me. A visual not corporeal memory, I am able to recall, now wanting an imagine of walking on a beach. I was so taken by the ease of his stylishly slipping my boot, off as he examined my ankles. It was at that point hooked with a girlish need to be captivated, by the power and ease I felt emanating from this man. He offered to unbutton my cuff with the chivalrous jester. I seem to know he charmed women with his style before. I find guilt from the desire, just to go and sit and be held. Real worlds doesn’t allow such activities, with your Doctor. I sit with my husband only in the exhaustion of the evening ware, I remember we are a couple. After a day of nonstop activity to capture whatever time exists. He looks for just another memory of what is wrong with me. The journey continues and I am hopeful it will bring me to learning to meet my needs with Grace.
